Even If It Were Hate
by Yumemakura
Summary: A/R story about Cassander's involvement with Alexander and Hephaistion. How long can Cassander contain his secret?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Even If It Were Hate**

**A/N:** This is another extended version of one of my drabbles prompted by "It's not what you think"; an expansion of Cassander's POV.

_**Whenever you look at me, I respond by glaring back at you.  
>Whenever you say something, I answer with nasty remarks.<br>I even pretend to physically harm you from time to time.  
>So, I do not blame you if you see me as an enemy rather than a comrade.<strong>_

_**But, the truth is, it's not what you think.  
>The truth is that I am helplessly in love with you,<br>and I would rather be your enemy than be just a friend.  
>Even if it were only hate, you would have a stronger feeling towards me than to others, wouldn't you?<strong>_

**oooOooo**

**Chapter 1**

Hephaistion was only ten years old when he first noticed about Cassander's rather disturbing secret. It was a fine autumn day. Hephaistion was hurrying back to his home. He almost broke into running on the street of Agora where the traffic of the busy street had died down, and the sun was almost setting behind the mountain ridge. He did not want to be late for supper.

He pressed even harder at the sheath under his arm, and tightened his grip on the hilt to make sure that he would not lose the sword. He was quite proud of himself that his father had trusted him enough to retrieve the sword that was deposited at the blacksmith in Agora for a repair. The blade was chipped badly in a few places from the last battle that his father had fought with king Philip.

Hephaistion remembered watching the broken blade with fascination when his father came home from the expedition. It was not easy for Hephaistion to imagine his father as a fierce fighter, who was usually gentle and calm, but seeing the chipped blade spoke more volumes than any other war stories. It told him how intense the battle was, and how bravely his father had fought.

Hephaistion felt his heart swell with pride. His father was crowned at the highest position among the heroes in Hephaistion's mind. He wished for becoming a warrior like his father when he grew up.

Hephaistion slowed down for a moment seeing the red sun in front of him. The big red orb always fascinated him. A part of his heart trembled full of anticipation for the adventure he would participate in very soon, but another part of his heart shivered with unknown ominous feelings. Maybe it was because they chased after an imaginary monster toward the setting sun whenever Alexander and he played heroes together.

"I am sorry."

Hephaistion stopped and apologized to a stranger as he bumped into a man who was just coming out of the side street. He scolded himself for daydreaming instead of paying attention to his surroundings. He was lucky that he did not drop his father's sword.

A shadow caught the corner of his eye, and Hephaistion turned his face to the narrow side street. A boy about his age was sitting down with his back leaning against the wall of a spice store that was already closed for the day. The boy's face was buried in between his knees. Although Hephaistion could not see the face of the other boy, he could tell who he was.

The boy's name was Cassander, the eldest son of Antipater who was one of the most powerful generals in the Macedonian court. He was just a few years older than Hephaistion, but he acted like he already knew everything. Nothing seemed to interest him, either. It was rare that he joined with the group of boys of his age. Most of the time, he watched them play from outside of the circle with a sneer on his thin lips.

Hephaistion did not remember the last time he talked with Cassander, as a matter of fact, he did not remember seeing any of his friends really talk to him, except for defending themself from criticism that seemed to be the only words that Cassander ever spoke. The boy acted angrily as if the whole world was against him, and he had built a high wall around him.

"Cassander?"

Hephaistion called his name. The boy's head snapped back and he looked up at him. Hephaistion gasped almost audibly when he saw Cassander's light green eyes were filled with unshed tears that shone behind the strands of brown locks.

"Are you all right?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Cassander snapped, and shot a challenging gaze into Hephaistion's concerned eyes.

"I … I thought that you might be sick or something sitting here like this."

"I was just resting, or is there a law or something that tells me that I cannot sit on the street?"

"No…"

With the hesitating answer of Hephaistion as a cue, Cassander stood up and looked down at Hephaistion as if to show his superiority. Cassander was just entering to the stage of adolescent, and he was about half a head taller than Hephaistion. As he stood, one side of Cassander's chiton slipped down off his shoulder revealing his bare skin.

Hephaistion did not know what made him do so, but he stretched his arm towards the other boy's naked shoulder to touch the ugly red marks. It was obvious that the mark was caused from caning. They would not make permanent scars, as the skin was not broken, yet it raised a welt on the boy's smooth skin. Hephaistion did not even notice what he was doing until he felt a strong grip on his wrist.

"Leave it! And don't you dare tell this to anybody. If you ever do, I promise to kill you!"

Cassander glared at him still holding Hephaistion's wrist. Then, without further words, he left the scene running at full speed as if to escape from something. Hephaistion stood there for a long time being dazed. He watched the silhouette of the other boy disappear into the red orb.

Next day, Cassander did not come to the gymnasium.

"Nearchus, make a pair with Philotas instead. Cassander pulled a muscle, and won't be able to practise for a while."

"That spoiled brat pulled it off again."

"Yes, he does this every time when he loses to somebody at practice."

"I wish I had a daddy like Cassander's, so that I could skip practice whenever I don't feel like it."

As soon as the instructor announced Cassander's absence, nasty remarks rose from here and there, and the practice ground was filled with scoffs.

'_No, you don't.' _Hephaistion said to himself remembering the red welt on Cassander's shoulder. It looked as if Cassander's father disciplined him for whatever the reason was, but Hephaistion could not imagine his own father ever doing such a thing to him.

"That's enough boys! Let's begin!"

While preparing himself to wrestle with Alexander, all of a sudden, Hephaistion realized that it was not the first time that Cassander had not come to the practice as the other boys had mentioned. He wondered if it had been from the same reason why he skipped the practice in the past.

Hephaistion was brought back from his pondering when he found a delighted Alexander's face over him.

"I won, Hephaistion! I won!"

Alexander's cheerful voice wiped the last mist of brooding out of Hephaistion's mind.

"One more, Alexander! I won't let you win this time."

The gymnasium was filled with the sound of the instructor's yelling, the boys' harsh breathing, and the smell of sweats as usual. Nobody cared that Cassander was not among them any longer.

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Even If It Were Hate**

**Chapter 2**

Wiping the tears with the back of his hands, Cassander ran. His eyes stung with streaming tears, and his lungs burned with lack of air. Yet, Cassander did not stop, he could not. He was not sure if he could contain himself once he stopped. He could not trust himself.

Nobody had ever looked at him with such tenderness and concern like Hephaistion just did, not even his mother. Cassander's mother was too busy taking care of his younger half siblings by women that his father impregnated. Women and Eros were Antipater's weakness.

He was quite a womanizer. There was even a rumor that he had slept with Queen Olympias. Although he took many women, he also took responsibility for the child. Each time when his mistress bore a child, he brought the baby home to be raised as a child of Antipater. Cassander now had ten siblings.

His mother was not pleased with the arrangement, but she was too afraid of her husband to speak up. She never stood up for her own children let alone for herself. Especially when it came to discipline, she had no say in the matter. Antipater expected nothing but the best and perfection from his sons. He was particularly strict with Cassander as he was the eldest and the heir.

Cassander exceeded in many things, one of them was sword fighting, but wrestling was not his best. As he skipped the practice to hide the marks of caning, the lack of practice made him even weaker. It was a vicious cycle to break.

So when he was met with Hephaistion's eyes filled with nothing but warm concern, Cassander panicked. He did not know how to react. A part of him wanted to accept the warmth and being consoled, but a part of him was afraid to lose the wall that had been protecting him.

For Hephaistion, once he had known about Cassander's secret, he could not help but notice whenever Cassander was caned. He could pick up little signs from Cassander's posture. His heart ached feeling the other boy's pain, but each time when he looked at Cassander, he was shut out effectively by the cold glare. It told him that the boy did not want any sympathy, and wanted to be left alone.

**oooOooo**

When Hephaistion became thirteen years old, ripples went through the young Macedonians. King Philip decided to provide the best education possible for the prince. He invited a philosopher Aristotle as a tutor, whose father was once a physician of the Macedonian court. It was said that the philosopher accepted the position with two conditions.

One of them was to build a school away from the palace, and the other was to include other students whose age was fairly close to Alexander's. To be included in the group meant a chance to play an important role in the future Macedonian court. On the other hand, it was dishonorable not to be selected if you were a son of the Macedonian nobles.

A couple of days later after Aristotle arrived in Pella with his nephew Callisthenes, Hephaistion was summoned to the palace. His heart beat faster when he realized that the guard was leading him to the throne room where usually an important official announcement was made. It could mean that the king would announce the selection of Alexander's companions.

"Hephaistion, you are leaving for Mieza in ten days."

"To Aristotle's school, my king?" Hephaistion tried his best to contain his trembling voice.

"Yes, you will study with Alexander. He threatened me that he would not go if he could not take you with him."

"Father! I did not."

"No, but it is true that you did not leave me alone until I said yes."

King Philip chuckled seeing Alexander's flushed face in deep crimson.

That night, the king threw a party for those who were selected to accompany Alexander to Mieza. Hephaistion found himself looking for the figure of Cassander, and he was relieved when he found the boy among the selected. He could not imagine how severely Cassander would have been punished if he were not selected.

Cassander's face was slightly flushed and bright, yet as soon as his eyes met with Hephaistion's, he looked away crossly.

"What have you done to receive such a treatment from our friendly Cassander?"

Ptolemy commented in jest. He was amazed to see the effect of the younger boy on Cassander. Normally, Cassander would never avert his gaze, he always looked right back at you with such a defiant look.

"Nothing I know. Let's go to talk to Alexander."

Hephaistion replied uncomfortably, and Ptolemy could not help but ponder what kind of secret Cassander and Hephaistion shared.

Cassander was angry with himself for the rest of the night. He was angry because he hesitated when he met with Hephaistion's eyes; the eyes that seemed to see through everything deep into his soul.

**oooOooo**

The building of Aristotle's school was completed early summer that year. It nestled on the hillside by a little stream in the beautiful countryside of Mieza. The lower part of the building was dedicated to a study hall, and an open-air classroom with stone benches, while the upper part was used for the residence hall.

The shaded narrow path snaked up to the school after crossing a small bridge over the stream from the main road. The area was rich with flora and fauna, an ideal place to teach science.

The life in Mieza had been enjoyable for Cassander despite the annoyance that he had to deal with others once in a while, because Aristotle often gave them a group assignment. Nevertheless, it was the first time that Cassander did not have to worry about being the best, and he was free from the embarrassment of physical punishment.

"Class, we are going to study about 'causes' today, because _For even in those kinds [of animals] that are not attractive to the senses, yet to the intellect the craftsmanship of nature provides extraordinary pleasures for those who can recognize the causes in things and who are naturally inclined to philosophy. (1) _Study of Nature is a search for causes."

"First of all, we cannot forget that there are four attributes for any object. It does not matter if they are animate or inanimate, and living or not living. Four attributes we are talking here are matter, form, moving cause, and final cause."

"For example, the bench you are sitting on, what is the 'matter', Ptolemy?"

"It is stone."

"Very well, then what is the 'form', Harpalus?"

"It is rectangular with two supporting legs."

"Good, the 'form' is the shape, then, what is the 'moving force'?"

"Gods!"

"You are a helpless fool, Nearchus." Everybody laughed with this Cassander's remark.

"Do you know what is it then, bright Cassander?"

"It is a sculptor who carved the stone, you idiot. If you are that smart, too, then can you tell what the 'final cause' is, Philotas?" Cassander counter attacked.

"It's … it's easy. The 'final cause' should be being here. What more cause could it be for just a stone bench?"

"I think there's more to it. The 'final cause' should be 'to be sat in the classroom'.

"Hephaistion is right. Based on the 'final cause', the matter could be different. For example, if you were talking about a bench you would like to move from one place to another, then you would have chosen wood as the 'matter'."

Philotas was not happy, but there was no way of him arguing with the prince.

"Precisely Alexander. What about a man? What are those four attributes for a man?"

"I would say gods for the 'matter' again, but I think it is mother since we are all born from the mother. Although some of us do not know which mother it is though."

Another laughter echoed in the air.

"Nearchus, will you be a bit more serious? Can anybody answer for the 'form'?"

"The 'form' is animal, two legged animal."

"Excellent, Harpalus."

"And the 'moving cause' is father, because he guides you to what you are supposed to be. He also gives you a role figure."

'_Father as a moving cause? Right!'_, thought Cassander. And sneered when he realized that it was true that his father was a moving cause, as well, except it was driving him to the opposite direction. He wanted to be everything that his father was not.

"I agree with Perdiccas, but it could be extended to include others such as heroes, couldn't it?"

"And the teachers?"

"You will not get any extra credit for flattering, Nearchus. And yes, Alexander, the 'moving cause' could be a hero. As a matter of fact, the 'final cause' becomes more precise if you have more than one 'moving cause'. Besides the obvious of becoming a grown man, what is your 'final cause'?"

"I, Perdiccas, will be the biggest supporter of the Macedonian court."

"And, I will become a rich man."

"That suits you Harpalus. I will be the Admiral of a ship."

"In your dream Nearchus, I will be a powerful general just like my father."

"Right, Philotas. Don't ruin your father's reputation."

"I know that you are thinking the same thing, Cassander!"

"No, my 'final cause' is to travel as far away as possible from Pella, and see the world."

"Mine too. I will become the ruler of a far land."

"It's still too small Ptolemy, I will become a conqueror of the world."

"And I will follow you Alexander, as a brave warrior like my father."

Aristotle smiled at those bright faces that were filled with dreams and ambitions.

"All right, now everybody is clear with four attributes of the causes that I will give you an assignment. You will make a pair and find a 'matter' to make the 'final cause'. You will also present the form of 'final cause' in the class tomorrow."

" Harpalus and Perdiccas, Nearchus and Ptolemy, Cassander and Hephaistion, and finally, Alexander and Philotas are the pairs. Now, class dismissed."

Aristotle noticed the disapproving expression of Alexander, but he pretended not noticing. The philosopher knew that the bond between Alexander and Hephaistion had become stronger for the last couple of years while they studied in Mieza, and they could produce the best result when they worked together. However, for that same reason, he wanted Alexander to work together with other boys as well to know them better and deeper. He believed that it would help him in the long run.

Cassander and Hephaistion had been climbing up the hill for a while on the mountainside near the school. They were planning to gather some juniper berries, and sketch the tree. They hadn't exchanged any words since they agreed what they would do for the project. However they felt quite content as being surrounded by the nature and moving along eased the awkwardness of the silence.

They found a single juniper tree in front of their eyes and stopped when the soil became more dry and exposed.

"Great. "

Hephaistion pulled a stylus and a sketchbook from a leather sack while Cassander squatted on the ground by the tree.

"What are you doing?"

Cassander extended his hands under Hephaistion's eyes for an answer. A bird was cradled in Cassander's palms.

"Oh. Is he injured?"

"No, I don't think so." With this, Cassander looked up at the tree. Hephaistion spotted a nest high up in the branches. It must have fallen off the nest, and was too young to be able to fly back by himself.

"Wait!" Hephaistion stopped Cassander who was just about to climb up the tree.

"Let me draw the bird first, so we can have the sketch of the 'moving cause', as well. It won't take long."

As soon as Hephaistion finished drawing the picture of the bird, Cassander climbed up on the tree and set the young bird back in the nest. It was not until he met with Hephaistion's warmly smiling face that he noticed what he had done. Cassander groaned. It was totally out of his character. He did not know why he lowered his guard whenever he was alone with Hephaistion.

"What are you smiling at? Hurry up and finish sketching the tree."

Cassander yelled at Hephaistion, but somehow the thorns on the words were duller than normal that were usually so harsh and cold. Hephaistion just smiled and continued sketching. The warm orange of the setting sun enveloped two silhouettes while the sound of stylus running over the papyrus filled the air.

**TBC**

**Note 1): Aristotle's quote.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Even If It Were Hate  
>Chapter 3<strong>

When Hephaistion was climbing up the mountain with Cassander, Alexander was in the woods with Philotas searching for a wild boar. After a long and patient tracking along the brook, they finally encountered a beast that was drinking water at the small pool by the stream.

Alexander crept up to the boar while closing the distance in between. A branch snapped behind him, and the startled beast charged at him. Alexander did not have time to think. He instinctively threw a spear at the beast aiming in between the eyes.

The wild boar hit the ground, and flipped over a couple of times before drawing the last breath. It was a clean kill. It was then, Alexander heard a whistling noise behind him. He tilted his head in alarm, and gasped when he felt a burning sensation on his jaw.

"What did you do that for?"

Alexander yelled at Philotas, and grabbed him by the chiton at his throat.

"I wanted to make sure that he was dead."

"It was not necessary! He was already dead!" Alexander spat out.

"I am sorry."

The flat tone of the voice and defiant eyes told Alexander otherwise. Philotas was not sorry a bit for nearly hurting Alexander. Instead, it seemed that he wanted so badly to have his arrow also in presence on the dead boar.

It told Alexander that Philotas was the kind of person who did anything that was to his advantage. He could not be trusted completely. Alexander felt his body tighten up with discomfort. He had seen the dark and merciless side of his friend.

**oooOooo**

"Class, when I call your names, you will come up and present your project, and explain the four attributes of your chosen object."

A wave of excitement traveled through the class. It was always fun to see other people's presentation. Besides, they were all eager to show what they had accomplished.

"First, group is Harpalus and Perdiccas. What is your object?"

"Our object is this ring."

Harpalus put his hand in the air to show a ring on his finger.

"The matter is agate we found at the river bank, the form is oval, the moving cause is the lapidary who cuts and polishes the stone, and the final cause is to be worn as an adornment."

Perdiccas explained enthusiastically. He sounded as if he was just happy to be a part of it.

"Well done."

Seeing the flushed face of Harpalus, Aristotle hoped that he would not get too carried away chasing wealth. Too much attachment to material goods and an obsession with wealth would destroy life.

"Next, Nearchus and Ptolemy."

"Our object is white mulberry. The matter is also white mulberry, the form is a cluster of little fruits, the moving cause is a hand, and the final cause is to be eaten like this.'

With this, Nearchus popped a berry into his mouth receiving cheerful laughter and applause from the audience.

"This is an example of the simplest and the easiest way of living. Also an example of less is better."

"Yeah, and you are the master of doing nothing."

Ptolemy's added comments drew more laughter and jeering. Aristotle narrowed his eyes. Although this young man acted nonchalantly, he understood more profoundly than others had thought of him.

"Cassander and Hephaistion."

"Our object is juniper tree. We could not bring the tree, so Hephaistion draw a picture of it."

Hephaistion showed his drawing to the class, and explained.

"The matter is juniper berry, the form is vertical trunk with horizontal branches, the moving cause is bird who eats the fruit and discards the seed on the ground, and the final cause is to become a tree."

"Very interesting, wouldn't you say? Nearchus and Ptolemy, Cassander and Hephaistion, both teams chose a berry as the matter, but the final causes are totally different. Yesterday, we learned that the matter could be different depending on the final cause, but today, we learned that the final cause could be different depending on the moving cause. What do you think it means, Hephaistion?"

"I think it means that there is more than one choice, and each choice brings a different outcome."

"Exactly. Life is a series of choices. The outcome differs based on what you choose, so you should choose wisely. And remember, there is often more than one right choice."

Aristotle also noticed the drawing of the bird nestled in hands. It must have been Cassander's hands since Hephaistion was sketching. Being amazed with the gentle gesture from an unexpected person, the master smiled warmly at Cassander. Embarrassed Cassander puffed and looked away while blushing slightly.

"Finally, Alexander and Philotas."

Aristotle called the names of the last group while suppressing the chuckles. He was still amused by Cassander. It was wonderful to be young.

The place was filled with mouth-watering aroma as Alexander and Philotas brought a large pot. They set it on the stone table.

"As you can see and smell, our object is wild boar stew that Alexander and I killed yesterday."

Alexander glared at Philotas, but instead of protesting, he started to explain.

"The matter is wild boar, the form is strips in the liquid, the moving force is human who killed and cooked, and the final cause is to be eaten. Let's have lunch!"

With everybody's cheer, the class was naturally dismissed. Aristotle did not miss the burn mark under Alexander's jaw line when Alexander tilted his head back to greet the cheers.

It was obvious that the feather of an arrow caused the mark, and Aristotle was concerned about Philotas. It proved that the son of the General was too greedy for his own fame. He was afraid that Philotas might cause a trouble for Alexander some day.

He also worried for Alexander. It was a regal choice to sacrifice the life of others for the prosperity of his people. However, there was a fine line between war and slaughter, and if Alexander ever made a mistake to cross the line, then he would become a mere tyrant, not a heroic conqueror. Maybe he would choose the golden mean as the next topic of discussion.

**oooOooo**

The tragedy happened in the early spring of their last year in Mieza while Alexander was absent from school. He was requested by the King to go to Athens as an ambassador. At that time, King Philip was trying to unite the force of Greece in order to prepare for the expedition to Persia.

All of a sudden, Hephaistion was called back home by the message of his father's illness. His father had been injured at the last battle, but he had looked almost recovered, and was doing well last time Hephaistion visited home. So, it was a great surprise for Hephaistion to receive such news from his mother explaining his father's condition had taken a turn for the worse.

Hephaistion ran his horse hard without slowing down despite the sun having already set, and the darkness settling in. He could hardly see the road before him, but he did not care. He prayed to the gods all the way. His heart beat so hard that he could hear the thumping sounds in his ears. He had to adjust his grip of the rein repeatedly since he was losing its hold because of the sweats on his palms.

After it seemed to be taking forever, Hephaistion finally arrived at his home. As soon as he handed his horse over to the groom, he rushed into the house.

"Father!"

Hephaistion froze to the spot as he saw his mother waiting for him at the entrance of the house. He instantly understood that he was too late. His mother's pale face with eyes full of tears told him everything.

"Go on and pay him respect."

Hephaistion entered his father's chamber. He still could not believe that his father was gone even seeing the lifeless body in front of his eyes. He imagined that his father would open his eyes and smile at him any moment. It was not until he took his father's hand in his and felt the stiffness of the decease that his father's death became real.

Pressing his father's hand against his forehead while holding it with both his hands, Hephaistion wept silently. He did not know how long had passed before his mother's voice brought him back.

"Hephaistion, this is for you. Your father had been writing a letter to you every year on your birthday. This is the last one he wrote, and the rest are in this chest."

She handed him a scroll and a small chest.

"Why had he never given them to me?"

"Because he did not need to."

With this, his mother put her hands on his shoulders and squeezed them tightly before leaving him alone again. Hephaistion opened the scroll.

_My Dear Son,_

_I am sorry that you had to read this. Because, I know that when you read this, I can no longer talk to you in person._

_I wanted to say so many things, but it is funny that when I tried to put them in writing, everything I said seemed to be insignificant and not enough. So, I will say just one thing. _

_No matter what happens, believe in yourself. _

_Life will not be so easy for you if you would like to be Patroclus to Alexander's Achilles. Do not be surprised. I know what you and Alexander have been dreaming. Many people would be jealous of you, and would not see the real you, not only because of what you are to Alexander, but also because of your beauty. Beauty for a woman is a treasure, but beauty for a man is a challenge._

_Try to consider it as a gift from a god instead, not as a curse. Learn to use it to your advantage to make you stronger. As Alexander can make the impossible possible with his passion, you have the power to turn a disadvantage into an advantage with determination and self-control. Remember that you are the only one who could be the match to Alexander. Only you two together can make invincible visible._

_Do not weep for me my son. My life was a joy with two precious gifts from a god; you and your mother. The only regret I have is that I have not had a chance to fight with you side by side at the battlefield as I had promised you._

_My son, be strong, and carry out your faith. I'll be always in your blood._

_Forever,_

_Father_

Hephaistion wiped his tears and promised himself. He would live a life that would make his father proud. He also understood that this was the life of the soldier; to live with death by his side, and to be prepared for bereavement.

King Philip provided a glorious funeral pyre for his fallen General. All his friends from Mieza were there; even master Aristotle attended the funeral. Yet, Hephaistion felt so lonely. The only person he wanted to be with was missing. Alexander was still in Athens.

The flame enveloped his father's body, and the blaze shot up in the morning sky. The white smoke climbed up so high until it faded into the thin clouds. Hephaistion still felt that it was not real but he was dreaming.

The smell of death that was the mixture of burning cedar and flesh spilled over the ground, and it gradually crept up to cover the nostrils. All of a sudden the death became real and Hephaistion shuddered.

At that moment, he felt Cassander move closer to him and stand right behind him. Hephaistion was grateful for Cassander who was close enough to him to repel anybody who tried to embrace him, everybody had avoided being too close to Cassander, yet far enough to give him the space to keep sanity.

Hephaistion was on the verge of breaking down, and he could not hold it if he had felt the warmth of a human body against him. He could not do that just yet, not in front of his mother. He had to be strong for her. After all, he was now the head of the house. Hephaistion looked up. The orange glow seemed to burn the sky in eternity.

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Even If It Were Hate**

**Chapter 4**

"No, Hephaistion, it is not necessary for you to stay longer. Everything is already taken care of. Your father had prepared for this day every time he went off to war."

"But mother, you are all alone."

"That is not true. Adrusteia is here with me."

Adrusteia was a servant who had followed his mother from Athens when she married Hephaistion's father. She was about the same age as Hephaistion's mother, and was rather like a sister to her than a servant.

Adrusteia used to tell the story to Hephaistion about how his father and mother had met and fallen in love with each other despite the circumstances. They had met when King Philip and his army subdued Pydna where his mother happened to be visiting her relative with her servant Adrusteia.

"General Amyntor captured the mistress' heart with just one look. He swept her away from the arms of General Antipater. " Adrusteia giggled, and then sighed. "The wedding was so lovely. It looked like almost the union of a god and a goddess. They were the most beautiful and the perfect couple I have known."

Hephaistion remembered that even King Philip had joked about it from time to time when he was in a good mood saying that it was the first and the last time he had seen Amyntor make a move so swiftly on a woman, and Antipater ever lose over a woman.

"Besides, that was not what your father would have wished."

His mother's voice brought Hephaistion back from the reminiscence.

"He was very proud of you when you were selected to be one of the students for Aristotle's school. He wished for you to receive the best education. So go back to Mieza. Do not miss any more school."

"Yes, mother. I understand."

Hephaistion still felt bad leaving so soon, but he could not argue with his mother any further. As if she could read his mind, his mother added.

"Hephaistion, do not worry. I will be all right. I have enough wonderful memories with your father to live through again. And you are not the only one who had received his gifts of letters. He had been writing one for me on our every anniversary. I have a chest full of them. That will keep me going."

His mother blushed like a girl, and Hephaistion smiled at her. He felt the power of his father's love still enveloping his mother beyond the separation of death.

**oooOooo**

The day after the funeral, Hephaistion went back to school. Although it was hard to deal without having Alexander close, he did better during the day when he could push himself to concentrate on the subjects in the class to distract his mind.

However, it was a different story during the night. His mind played the memories of his father over and over again while painfully reminding him that he could never see his father again. Hephaistion tossed and turned on the bed to find a comfortable position, but it was no use. He could not sleep. The harder he tried, the more alert he became.

Hephaistion lay there for a little longer, but he had finally given up. He got out of the bed, and walked out to the garden, which looked over the stream. He sat on the stone bench while resting one side of his head against the oak tree.

He mindlessly looked over the road beyond the stream. The cool lights from the full moon made the dirt road shine like a silver ribbon. Hephaistion shook his head realizing that he was unconsciously looking for the figure of Alexander. He knew that Alexander would not come back for another day or two, yet his eyes could not help but search for him. How he missed his friend.

The night air was still a bit too cool, but Hephaistion appreciated it. It helped to keep his senses sharp, and somehow saved him from falling into sentiment. Subtle movements of the air made Hephaistion notice somebody approaching from behind. He turned his head to look back.

"Philotas?"

Hephaistion was surprised seeing an unexpected figure.

"I am sorry about your father." Philotas mumbled.

"Thank you."

Hephaistion studied him while answering, as it was not like Philotas to care for others. He had not trusted Philotas since that little incident in Aristotle's class. Although Alexander told him nothing, it was obvious for Hephaistion to see what had happened when he put together Alexander's angry glare toward Philotas, and the burn mark on his jaw.

Philotas moved forward, and stood in front of Hephaistion.

"I understand how you must feel. You and your father were very close."

Hephaistion was caught off guard. He was not prepared for those tender words. He looked down, and bit his lip determined not to cry. He did not want to show his weakness especially in front of Philotas.

"If you would like, talk to me. I can listen."

With this, Philotas sat by Hephaistion, and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. Hephaistion felt a cold shiver of disgust running down his spine. He tried to slide away from Philotas, but there was only a little room where he could move since he was already leaning onto the tree.

"Thank you, but no thank you. I am all right. I would rather like to be alone."

"Are you waiting for your prince? Too bad, he won't come!"

All of a sudden, Philotas became angry with Hephaistion for being rejected. He grabbed Hephaistion by his shoulders, and slammed his head hard against the tree. Before Hephaistion could recover, Philotas yanked him by his ankles until Hephaistion lay flat on his back on the bench. The movement made Hephaistion hit his head again against the stone bench.

"You should have taken my consolation while I was being nice to you."

Hephaistion heard Philotas' sneering voice while making his best effort to stay conscious. He tried to push the pressing body away, but his arms and legs did not obey his brain.

"You shameless low life! Come back yesterday!"

Somebody shouted, and all of a sudden, the weight was lifted from Hephaistion's chest. He could breath again. When he opened his eyes, he found Cassander standing in front of him with his hand extended out to him.

Cassander did not know what exactly made him wake up. It could be the bright light of the full moon that flooded into his room through the window. Or maybe it was the cool night air that crept into his room.

Either way, he woke up in the middle of the night. He tried to go back to sleep, but once he was awake, he was not sleepy any longer.

Without much thought, Cassander left his room, and went outside. The moonlight made it possible for him to see the two figures by the oak tree when he came out to the garden. Judging from the silhouettes, Cassander understood that they were Philotas and Hephaistion.

He thought it was rather unusual to see Philotas talking to Hephaistion so affably. Philotas only approached somebody when he wanted something from the person. Soon he realized Philotas' real intention as he saw Philotas violently push Hephaistion against the tree.

His body moved before his mind could process what was going on. Next time when he noticed, Philotas was already on the ground while looking up at him with a glare of hate.

"You will pay for this! Both of you!"

Philotas left with a parting thrust.

Finally realizing what had just happened, Hephaistion took Cassander's hand, and sat up.

Hephaistion's mind was in mess with grief and shame. He covered his face with his trembling hands.

"Are you going to report …"

Hephaistion's muffled voice trailed off.

"No."

"Thank you." The sigh of relief escaped in the hands.

"I am not doing this for you. I just don't want them to cut our school short if they found out about this scandal. I am doing it for myself."

Cassander was tempted to put his hand on Hephaistion's shoulder, but he hesitated. He knew best that the pity that was coated by gentleness could hurt the troubled heart the most.

The sound of the hoofs of a galloping horse echoed in the silent night air. As soon as he recognized who it was, Hephaistion sprung up on his feet, and hugged Cassander.

"Still, thank you!"

Before Cassander could react, Hephaistion was off running down the path to meet the owner of the horse. Cassander did not have to guess. Alexander must have ridden all day into the night to be able to arrive here so soon.

When Alexander noticed a figure running toward him, he too dismounted and ran. They met half way. Watching the two figures melt into a tight embrace in the silver moonlight, Cassander's heart ached.

Cassander still felt the warmth of Hephaistion's body against his chest, and the soft caress of Hephaistion's hair on his cheek. However, Cassander had not realized why he felt such a bitter sweetness in his heart yet. This was an unfamiliar feeling for Cassander.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: Even If It Were Hate  
>Chapter 5<strong>

It was at the first confrontation with his father that Cassander had, after coming back from Mieza when he noticed the slight shift in power dynamics between him and his father. He did not remember what exactly made his father explode on him, but Antipater was very angry with his son.

"Are you saying that you would not listen to me? How dare you! You should never disobey me. I will teach you a lesson. Turn around! You deserve caning!"

Antipater firmly placed his hands upon Cassander's shoulders in an attempt to make him turn around.

"No! You cannot make me!"

Cassander held his father's burning gaze, and resisted, not giving in even an inch. He pushed back so hard that his father fell backward into a chair with the counter force.

"You cannot punish me just because I hold a different view from yours."

Cassander looked down upon his father, and voiced his opinion decisively. His father's mouth fell open in astonishment, and a tiny tint of fear flashed in his eyes as he finally realized that his son was no longer a small child, but was now an adult who was physically stronger than him.

He shivered when he comprehended that his son was even capable of hurting him if he wanted to.

"Do … Do not let it happen again."

With this, Antipater left the room in a hurry while hiding the awkward embarrassment.

**oooOooo**

The shifting of power was not happening only in Antipater's household, but in the whole Macedonian court. The first sign was there when Alexander and his friends defeated the Thracian Maedi while Alexander was a regent of Macedon during King Philip's absence. It proved that they were well capable of commanding an organized army.

The next incident was at the battle of Chaeronea. The unit that was led by young Alexander was the one that brought the victory to Macedon. Everybody knew that they could have lost the battle without Alexander's brave and timely move. The young generations were becoming an inevitable force of the kingdom. It was clear that the dawn of a new era was arriving.

Therefore, Cassander did not know if he had decided to take the side of Alexander in order to show his father that he could do whatever he wanted without his father's permission any longer, or if it was just an unavoidable confrontation between the generations of old and new.

Still, the result was the same. The argument between Alexander and Attalus at king Philip's wedding with Eurydice shifted to the confrontation between Alexander and his father.

"Get out of here! You are no longer my son!"

Hearing the slurred voice behind, Alexander turned around and left the banquet with a few of his friends at heel.

"Meet me at the crossroad of the west end of the city right before the dawn."

Alexander told his friends before heading back to his mother's chamber.

Everybody from Mieza met Alexander at the meeting place except Philotas and Harpalus. The former avoided the self-exile by using his father's authority, and the latter with the power of gold.

Hephaistion followed Alexander out of love, Ptolemy with taking a calculated risk, Perdiccas for loyalty to his friends, Nearchus to seek an adventure, and Cassander to prove his independence to his father.

Alexander nodded at the pale faces. Although they were all tired due to lack of sleep, their spirits were high. There was a sense of excitement for freedom and unity among them, but not disappointment or defeat. Their stomachs tickled with a mixture of anxiety and anticipation to the unknown world.

They started the silent journey to the west, to Epirus to be more precise. Alexander had a plan to drop his mother at his uncle's place in Dodona. Although his uncle welcomed them with open arms, Alexander did not have an intention of staying there. After resting for a couple of days, he would leave.

Alexander was not sure where he and his friends would go, but he was certain to prove that they could survive by themselves.

"So, what are we going to do now?"

Nearchus asked innocently while putting down his cup on the table.

"You are welcome to stay as long as you want."

"Thank you uncle Alexander, but I cannot put you in the middle of the conflict between my father and me. I don't want to be the source of trouble."

Alexander's uncle opened his mouth as if to resist, but no words came out of his mouth. His nephew was right. If Alexander stayed here, it could send a false message to King Philip that the prince and his uncle were planning a revolt together.

"How far would you like to go?"

Hephaistion asked looking into Alexander's eyes intensely. Alexander immediately understood the true meaning behind it, and grinned.

"In that case, let's pay a visit to the king of Illyria."

"Illyria? But, it is not the most friendly territory."

Confused Perdiccas protested, but Hephaistion nodded smirking.

"Exactly. The king of Illyria would not deny us if we told him that we were in exile from Pella."

Alexander nodded back to Hephaistion, as he explained to Perdiccas.

"But, what would King Philip think when he found out that you had sought refuge with Illyria."

Perdiccas was still confused.

"If King Philip does not wish to have his son as an enemy, then he would call you back. Right, Alexander?"

Ptolemy stated.

"You are so right, Ptolemy."

"But, Alexander, will the Illyrians really accept us? We defeated them a couple years back."

Still not being convinced, Perdiccas questioned again.

"The Illyrian king has nothing to lose by accepting the prince of Macedon. If he decided to rebel against Macedon, then he has the most powerful bargaining tool."

Hephaistion interjected, and Alexander completed the argument.

"And, if my father decided to make peace with me, then it means that the Illyrian king had sold a favor to the Macedonian king. Now, are you all with me? Should we venture to Illyria?"

"Aye!"

"Yeah, it was getting a little confusing to have two Alexanders if we were to stay here much longer."

Despite the seriousness of the subject, Nearchus' remark drew a relaxed laughter in the group.

As Alexander predicted, the Illyrian king received them as guests. Their hospitality was not lavish, but at least they did not have to worry about finding shelter and food. The life in this mountainous kingdom was rather boring.

They did join the daily basic training of the army to keep their bodies in shape, but they were politely requested not to be a part of it at the training of the real battle simulations. They were guests from a kingdom with a long history of confrontations after all.

However, Cassander doubted if Alexander had not learned anything. When it came to war strategies and tactics, Alexander was so observant. He absorbed all the details so naturally, and nothing had escaped his hawk like sharp eyes.

**oooOooo**

It was one of those warm spring days. They were all bored. Their young bodies ached looking for some action.

"Ahhh… it's a torture. Birds are singing, and the air is sweet, but we are stuck in the middle of nowhere without a maiden."

"Nearchus, I did not know that you were a poet, but I agree with you. Only if Alexander allowed us to mingle with the girls here in the palace."

Perdiccas looked at Alexander accusingly. Alexander just glared back at him.

"I know, I know. You would like to say that it is not wise, because if we ever broke into war against each other then we would be forced to choose between love and kingdom. But, still."

"Don't pout Perdiccas, I heard that there is a house that serves as a tavern in the town. You can also buy a girl there with a minimum fee."

Ptolemy said as a matter of course.

"What are we doing then, let's go. Are you coming with us Alexander?"

"No, Nearchus. Hephaistion and I are planning to go for a ride."

"I see." Nearchus smirked making Hephaistion to blush.

"How about you, Cassander?" Ptolemy turned to Cassander who had not said a word.

"No, I will stay."

"Oh, you Mister Antisocial, or are you afraid of girls?"

"Cut it out, Nearchus!"

Glaring at Nearchus, Cassander snapped. It was not because he did not want to have fun, but he was opposed to the idea of sleeping around with women. He did not wish to be like his father.

"All right, all right. I was just joking. Let's go."

With this, Nearchus, Ptolemy and Perdiccas left for the agora.

"Would you like to come with us, then, Cassander?"

"No, Alexander. I have to catch up with some correspondence. I haven't written to my father for a while."

Cassander lied. He could tell that Alexander was just asking him from politeness not from his heart. When he saw Alexander's relieved expression, Cassander understood that he was right. He also knew that Alexander and Hephaistion had been seeking to have some privacy.

When the Illyrians took them in, they assigned a great hall as an accommodation for all the Macedonian refugees. Because one, it was easier for the Illyrians to keep an eye on them just in case, and two, the Illyrian kingdom was not as wealthy as the Macedonians'.

After staying in the room for a while, Cassander decided to go for a ride by himself as well. It was a beautiful day after all. It was too gorgeous to be wasted by staying inside. Cassander rode aimlessly while enjoying the tranquil surroundings.

His horse eventually guided him to a stream. The place was beautiful, it reminded him a lot of Mieza. As Cassander came closer to the stream, he noticed that he had company already.

When he saw Alexander and Hephaistion's horses tied to a small olive tree on the other side of the stream, Cassander settled behind the bush to watch them after hiding his horse at the oak tree. Cassander knew that it was not a noble thing to do, but the temptation was too much.

He saw naked Alexander standing in the middle of the stream.

"No, Alexander, I am not coming in. It's too cold."

"Common Hephaistion! It's not too cold. It's just refreshing."

With this, Alexander splashed water at Hephaistion who was lying in the soft grass, propped up on one elbow.

"Alexander!"

Hephaistion stood up, and came running to the edge of the bank. Seeing the chance, Alexander pulled him down into the water. Hephaistion fell into the stream with a big splash.

"Alex …"

Hephaistion's protest was cut off short with Alexander's lips on his mouth. Cassander could not avert his eyes. Wet chiton clung against Hephaistion's lean body while revealing the tight muscles of perfectly round bottom, and the shapely thighs.

"You are right. It is too cold. You are shivering, Hephaistion. Let me warm you up."

Alexander pulled Hephaistion up on the bank. He peeled off Hephaistion's soaked chiton, and wrapped him into his cloak while kissing him passionately. Cassander felt his heart speeding up.

Without breaking a kiss, Alexander pushed Hephaistion down on the grass, and took off the last garment from Hephaistion's body. Everybody knew that Alexander and Hephaistion shared more than a friendship, but they had never shown more than a friendly touch in public.

Cassander gasped for air. His heart was beating so fast that it was hard to breathe. Their bodies moved along with the waves of emerald green grass that was created by the gentle caress of the spring breezes.

It was so beautiful and tender that it almost hurt. When it was over, Cassander was surprised noticing his cheeks were wet with tears. He was not even aware that he was crying. And that moment, Cassander understood why the heartache was, and what the bittersweet feeling was that he felt in Mieza.

Instead of Alexander, he wanted to be the one who gently pushed away the strand of hair out of Hephaistion's face. He wanted to be the one who drew a moan from Hephaistion's mouth by running his palms on Hephaistion's smooth skin. He wanted to be the one who sucked Hephaistion's tender lips into his. He wanted to be the one who felt Hephaistion's heat around him.

Yet, the reality was harsh. It was not him but Alexander whom Hephaistion desired. Cassander smiled to himself cynically. Before he even had a chance to realize that he was in love, his heart had been already broken.

**TBC**

* * *

><p>I'll be taking some time off, but I promise to complete this series. Thank you for your support and understanding.<p>

Jun**  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to update.  
><strong>

**Chapter 6**

As Alexander had predicted, his exile did not last long. Within a year, King Philip sent one of their family friends to make peace with his son. It had proven once again that the Macedonian kingdom needed young blood to keep rising.

However, the real test for the young Macedonians came unexpectedly, and too soon. It was a beautiful day in October. The sky was so clear with not even a single cloud in sight that it competed for depth of blueness with the Aegean Sea. The color was so pure that it was almost painful to look at it.

It was also supposed to be the happiest day for Alexander's sister, Cleopatra. Even if it was a political compromise, the wedding was something that any girl would dream of, and long for. All the members of the Macedonian court gathered at the theater in Aegae, the ancient capital of Macedon, for the celebration of the marriage between Alexander of Epirus and Cleopatra.

The theater was filled with a cheerful mood, however, it turned into chaos when King Philip appeared in the theater through the gate, and slowly collapsed onto the ground in slow motion in front of everybody's eyes. For a moment, nobody understood what had happened until they saw the king's pure white chiton change color into crimson red, and the blood seeped through the unmoving body into the sandy ground.

Alexander was the first to be at the king's side. By the time Alexander gathered his father's body in his arms, the eye of King Philip was already losing focus. It soon lost brightness, and blankly looked up at the empty blue sky.

It was a double shock to the Macedonian court when they realized that the assassin was one of King Philip's own bodyguard, Pausanias. While the assassin desperately attempted to escape, Cleitus, Nearchus, and Perdiccas chased after him. Pausanias was killed on the spot when they caught up with him at the bottom of the hill.

Cassander observed the scene as if he was watching a bloody play in the theater. Suddenly, the exchange between Alexander and Hephaistion at the house of Alexander's uncle in Dodona played on Cassander's mind.

"_How far would you like to go?"_

Hephaistion's flat voice that was lacking emotion rang in his ears, and Alexander's stern looks with a sneer flashed in his vision along with Queen Olympias' determined and cold expression when they left her in Dodona.

'_Was Queen Olympias behind this assassination? Was Alexander involved in this?' Would Alexander go this far for his dream? If so, had Hephaistion known about it?'_

Cassander could not help the doubts that swirled in his mind. Everybody knew that Alexander was eager to be named as the heir of the Macedonian kingdom. He wanted it so badly that he had even tried to intercept the marriage plan for his brother Arrhidaeus when he misunderstood that King Philip was thinking of offering Arrhidaeus to the daughter of the Carian ruler to make him the heir instead.

There was no concrete evidence to prove if Olympias or Alexander had anything to do with King Philip's assassination, as the only person who was directly involved with the murder of the king had been executed, and could not speak.

Although there were some doubts, nobody dared to voice them. The future of the Macedonian kingdom was depending on Alexander, and they did not have time to look back at the past. Right after King Philip's funeral, Alexander immediately resumed his father's plan to invade Asia. The Macedonian army was already crossing the Hellespont from Europe to Asia within six months of King Philip's funeral.

The scenery was the same, the climate was the same, and the color of the soil was the same, yet something was fundamentally different as soon as they had crossed the inlet to Asia. It was probably simply the differences in language, or the people who lived there, however the air was definitely foreign, and Cassander could not help but feel uneasy.

The first city where they had settled was Troy. After sacrificing to the goddess Hera, and putting up the camp, most of the young officers headed out to the agora to see some action.

"Would you like to come with us, Cassander? Ptolemy and I are going to this inn. I heard that they have an excellent local wine, and most interestingly, it is served by a beautiful maiden."

Nearchus grinned suggestively.

"No, I think I'd rather stay."

"How about coming with me to the market then? Surely we can find a bargain there."

Perdiccas asked cheerfully.

"No, I don't need anything."

"Ah, Cassander, you are so unsocial. Let's go before he infects us with his rotten mood."

With these Nearchus' teasing words, they left for the town laughing while leaving gloomy looking Cassander behind.

Cassander did not feel like joining either of them. It was not because he did not want the company, but he was still feeling too tense to mingle freely with the locals. Yet, he regretted his decision when he heard the parties breaking out in the camp here and there. He was not in the mood for heavy drinking either. He just needed to spend a quiet night.

When the noise became too loud to bear, Cassander left his tent before drunken soldiers start appearing in his tent, and started to walk away from the commotion. Soon, he found himself coming up on top of the hill overlooking the deep blue of the Aegean Sea, where the temple of Apollo stood. The sun was setting over the horizon at the sea, and the golden red rays painted the marble pillars of the temple.

Cassander froze to the spot when he saw Hephaistion siting on the steps of the temple with his back against the pillar while facing to the setting sun. He tried to turn around to leave, but he could not move. The site of the other man was amazing in the fading sun.

The outline of his hair shimmered in gold drawing the warm rays inside. One of his hands loosely grabbed the edge of the steps, and the other was set on the kneecap of his slightly bent long legs. The posing made the edge of the chiton pull up to expose his shapely thighs in full view.

It was already too late when Cassander was finally able to tear himself off the hypnosis. While he stepped backward, Hephaistion turned around as he heard the noise of crashing pebbles.

"Cassander…"

Hephaistion's surprised, yet friendly smile met with Cassander's almost resentful face.

"You did not go to the town with Ptolemy?"

"No. And you are not with Alexander?"

Cassander flinched to his own words that came out too sharp and accusingly than he intended to be. Hephaistion replied without answering to it as if he did not hear Cassander's question.

"It's rather noisy down there, isn't it? Is that why you are here?"

"Yes, I walked away from the noise, and found myself ending up here."

"So did I. I needed a quiet place to think."

With this, Hephaistion turned his head back to look down the bay, and murmured.

"That's the same Aegean Sea by Pella, but I feel that I am so far away from home."

"I know what you mean. I felt the same way when we crossed the Hellespont. Everything looked the same, but something was totally different. Are you missing home?"

"Not really, if you mean Pella. I have nothing left there."

"But, you still have your mother in Pella, don't you?"

"She went back to Athens with master Aristotle."

After Philip's death, and Hephaistion's departure, there was nothing hold Antipater back from making a move to Hephaistion's mother once again. Although she had no interest in this new regent of Macedon, she was afraid that if she kept denying him, it could cause a negative effect on Hephaistion's future life in the Macedonian army.

Luckily, she found the best solution when she heard that Aristotle was going back to Athens. She told Antipater that she appreciated his kindness to take her in, but she was afraid that she needed to go back to Athens to take care of her mother who had lately become ill. And since Aristotle was also going back to Athens, there was no need for him to send a guard to protect her.

It was not true that her mother was ill, but this way, Antipater would not have to find out that she was lying. It worked out for her perfectly. Hephaistion knew the real reason, but he did not tell Cassander.

"I see. Then why are you here all by yourself acting like a homesick school boy?"

Hephaistion blushed a little to Cassander's comment.

"I was thinking about what Alexander told me earlier."

Hephaistion hesitated for a moment. He was not quite comfortable discussing the personal issue with Cassander, but he felt that it was too late to stop now. Anyway, everybody would find out tomorrow morning.

"Alexander wants to do a ceremony tomorrow, and I am not sure if it is a good idea."

"What kind of ceremony?"

Hephaistion cleared his throat before continuing.

"Well, he wants us to honor Achilles and Patroclus in old way."

"You mean, run around naked around the tombs?"

Hephaistion nodded.

"And Alexander dedicating the wreath to Achilles' tomb, and I to Patroclus'."

Cassander did not realize that he murmured out loud until he heard his own voice.

"So, Alexander is now making it official."

Hephaistion's head whipped around, and looked up at Cassander. Now the sun had completely set, and the darkness surrounded them, but Cassander could see Hephaistion's face turned to crimson red even in the dim lights of the rising moon.

The silver moon reflected onto Hephaistion's dark blue orbs. Looking into Hephaistion's eyes, Cassander thought that his love was just like the moon. It looked so close that he could touch and grab it, yet in reality, it was too far beyond his reach. The closer he thought he got, the further away it had escaped from him.

Cassander's heart shattered again into even smaller fragments that he thought it was already in too small pieces to be broken, and he was not so sure if he could take the torture of witnessing the love between Alexander and Hephaistion any longer. He debated if he should leave the army, and go back to Pella.

He could tell Alexander that he would go back to Pella to assist his father in case the Athenians rebelled. Alexander might not be pleased, but Cassander knew that he would not deny him. He did not look forward to living with his father again, but he was not certain which was more painful; to stay with the army seeing Alexander and Hephaistion being together or to live with his father.

As Hephaistion confessed to Cassander on the previous night, Alexander announced his plan to the army in the morning. Seeing Alexander's excitement, and listening to the soldiers' cheers that followed, Cassander was aloof and detached.

Slightly smiling Hephaistion's face did not show any signs of hesitation any more. Two god like bodies, one with fair skin with thick muscles of well-balanced body, and the other with olive skin of muscular yet slightly taller build and slender body stood in front of the whole army.

Their thoroughly oiled bodies shone in glorious gold reflecting the rising sun at the start line of the emerald green field. Their faces that looked straight ahead were almost in a trance. Cassander felt his whole body burn in the flame of jealousy and yearning.

At that moment, he made a masochistic decision to follow them. No matter how painful and bitter it might be, he would see the end of it. He needed to find out if Alexander and Hephaistion were actually fated Achilles and Patroclus who lived the myth, and if their love was eternal.

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: Even If it Were Hate**

**Chapter 7**

"Since when have you become a minion of Alexander?"

Cassander accused Hephaistion.

"Aren't we all one for the king?"

Hephaistion replied chuckling, and Cassander did not like it at all. No matter how hard he tried to sound as harsh and mean as possible, somehow his sarcasm did not have a full effect on Hephaistion like it did to others. It was almost as if Hephaistion carried an antidote against Cassander's poisonous words in his heart.

It irritated Cassander immensely. It would be easier if he could hurt Hephaistion with his sharp words, so that the other man would hate him. Then, he could have given up his hope totally. Yet, it seemed that Hephaistion was the only one who did not keep away from him despite of his rudeness, but understood him.

Cassander tensed feeling Hephaistion's gaze upon him. Hephaistion's bright eyes always made him uneasy. He felt that those eyes could see through deep into his heart, and read the secret in the bottom of it, which even Cassander himself had not recognized yet. Cassander glowered desperately trying to focus on the original issue.

"Ha! He is more likely a god after entering Egypt. Does Alexander seriously believe that he is the son of a god? Did he tell you what exactly the oracle told him?"

"No, not really, but I can guess." Hephaistion smiled meaningfully, and continued. "Alexander can be a god if he wanted to be when he needed to be. Don't you think it's not such a bad thing if we could avoid an unnecessary battle because the enemy believes that Alexander is a god, and is afraid of receiving fury from him?"

Cassander had to agree. He wished that the people of Tyre had seen him that way. Replaying the image of thousands of corpses that painted the shore of the island crimson with blood, Cassander felt the cold sweats forming again on his palms, just like on that terrifying day in Tyre. It was a bloody battle where Cassander had witnessed Alexander's darker and cruel side for the first time.

"Let's hope that Alexander himself would not get fury from the god for pretending to be one."

Cassander scoffed.

"Oh, so you are worried about the king after all?"

Certainly he cared for the king's well being as a Macedonian soldier, but although he knew that it was based on illogical jealousy, he cared less for Alexander as a person.

"No, it was sarcasm, Hephaistion."

"Sure, you hateful Cassander."

Hephaistion teased, and Cassander puffed his cheeks. Again, he could not believe that he, the scary Cassander, was treated like a little child.

It had been three days since they arrived at this mystic ancient city of Siwa. It was so different from their homeland, Pella. After it felt like eternity crossing nothing but brown dunes, all of a sudden, a massive green appeared in front of their eyes. Cassander had almost forgotten how beautiful and soothing the color green could be.

As they approached the oasis, they recognized that this massive green was a forest of palm trees. If it were in Greece, then they would have built a temple of Apollo with no hesitation as it was said that the god was born under a palm tree. Considering the Egyptians had built a temple of Amon here otherwise in this remote location, Cassander thought that people's minds might not be so different no matter what culture they lived in.

Cassander also had to admit that the place possessed something sacred, or even magical. A huge lake with cool blue water, and the small water pools that were dotted throughout the forest made them forget that this place was standing in the middle of the sea of sands where they had almost died.

It was a terrible journey. For Cassander, it was also a pointless journey just to satisfy one of Alexander's capricious behaviors. At one point, he was so angry with Alexander for putting the life of Hephaistion and him in jeopardy in that he had taken them to this barren world for nothing.

Shaking off the bad memory in his mind, Cassander changed the subject.

"Have you ever heard of the pool called 'Fountain of Sun'?"

"I'm afraid not. What's so special about it?"

"I heard it from a local that there is an oasis where the water temperature changes by the hour."

"Well, the water temperature changes at any pool, doesn't it? It would be warmer during the day because of the heat from the sun, and cooler at night, right?"

"If it were any ordinary pool."

Hephaistion raised his eyebrow for an inquiry, and Cassander knew that he had made the other man curious. Hephaistion was the kind of person who dissected everything from every angle, and analyzed it until he found a logical solution before taking any actions. While, Alexander acted instantaneously driven by his ingenious instinct.

In other words, Hephaistion was the chain to keep Alexander to the ground. Their alliance had worked perfectly; one started with the intuition, and the other confirmed it with the logic. However, something had gone terribly wrong at the battle of Tyre. Alexander ran wild without control, and it seemed that even Hephaistion could not stop him.

Or could he? Cassander inhaled sharply realizing a crucial fact that he had overlooked. He did not remember Hephaistion arguing with Alexander as he had numerous times in the past when he did not agree. As a matter of fact, he never heard Hephaistion protesting against Alexander's cruel act.

_' So, Hephaistion did not fail, but he did approve?'_

Cassander paled when it became clear all of a sudden. It was a calculated plan to make people believe that Alexander was a son of the god. Only the rage of the god could punish people like that. It was an example to show the enemy that they should think twice before going against Alexander, since they could be dealing with a mighty god.

Now it all made sense why Alexander had treated the king of Gaza like Achilles did to Hector. He punished the king for revolting against a god. He tried to prove that he was the son of a god just like Achilles was. And Hephaistion knew all too well; he was a part of it.

"Cassander! Hello? Are you there? So what is so special about this pool?"

Hephaistion's voice brought him back from the deep thoughts, and Cassander blinked.

"Yes, the pool. Unlike an ordinary pool, this one becomes the coolest at noon, and the warmest at midnight."

"Interesting! I wonder what is causing this unusual phenomenon to happen, if it is true what you said. Let's find out. Would you like to come with me tonight?"

"Sure."

Cassander chided himself for replying too quickly and too eagerly. He knew that Alexander had a meeting with the priest that night, and it was only Hephaistion and he who would be visiting the pool late at night. The doubt if Hephaistion was doing this by knowing his feeling toward him had crossed Cassander's mind for a flick of a moment, but he could not deny the joy that filled his heart.

It felt forever for Cassander until the sun finally set, but the time finally came to meet with Hephaistion. The night in the desert was rather cool. Cassander grabbed a cloak before going out of his tent.

"Are you ready?"

Cassander addressed his arrival while lifting the flap of Hephaistion's tent.

"Yes, shall we go?"

Hephaistion stood up from the chair where he was reading some documents at the desk, and followed Cassander, also wearing a cloak over his shoulder.

They did not need a torch to find the way to the oasis, as the bright rays of the full moon shone on the ground. While they walked farther away from the camp, silence surrounded them. The only sound that they could hear was the soft footsteps of their feet crushing the sands underneath, and the rustling noise of the dried leaves of the palm tree, which they stepped on once in a while.

After walking almost three miles, they finally came to the small pool. The surface of the dark water that reflected the silver yellow moon was as calm as a mirror. As Cassander explained, the water temperature must be warmer than the atmosphere. White steam was swaying up into the air while painting a mystic scene in front of them.

"Let's find out."

Hephaistion stripped his boots and clothes without any hesitation, and waded into the water. He stopped mid way when the water was at his knee high to put his hair up into a ponytail by using a leather cord. Cassander's eyes were fixed onto the other man's bareback view.

A proportional upside down triangular shaped upper body connected to the round bottom where the lean yet muscular thighs ended. The broad back and the tight bottom that were normally covered with clothes had avoided the taint from the strong sun. The protected skin was pale and smooth, and it floated in the dark like a nocturnal flower while reflecting the moonlight.

"Aren't you coming?"

Hephaistion turned around and questioned Cassander.

"I will, after you have proven that the pool is not connected to the underworld or something."

"You are now turning into a coward."

Hephaistion scoffed. Cassander waited to enjoy the view for another full moment, and then quickly stripped himself and waded into the oasis next to Hephaistion, so that the other man would not notice his excitement.

The water temperature was perfect. They sat next to each other facing to the shore. A narrow beach separated the oasis and the lines of palm trees. It was not like what they needed, but the pool was also secluded with a community of tall pampas grass to their left. They soaked themselves into the warm water up to their shoulders and relaxed.

It was so peaceful and quiet. Cassander closed his eyes so that he would not see the source of the temptation, and enjoyed the feeling of the time halting around them.

"I wonder how it is even possible to have this phenomenon; keeping the water temperature at its coldest during the hot day, and the warmest in the middle of the cool night."

Hephaistion mumbled voicing his unanswered question.

At that moment, something alarmed Cassander and he opened his eyes. He thought that he had seen a black shadow approaching the shore, and yanked Hephaistion with him to behind the grass while covering Hephaistion's mouth with his hand.

Cassander pointed at the shore to the protesting Hephaistion. A big black panther elegantly walked up to the water line, and started to drink. Cassander almost gasped audibly seeing the silver blue eyes of the beast watching him directly into his eyes through the grass.

Cassander's skin burned where it touched with Hephaistion's, his heart beat faster, and his breathing became ragged with desire. He swore that the beast sneered at him. The animal's eyes saw through his soul just like Hephaistion's eyes did. He could hear the beast's voice.

'_Are your passions assisting or hindering you at this time? Are you choosing to suppress latent desires?'_

The beast's eyes would haunt Cassander forever along with the sensation of Hephaistion's skin on him.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Even If It Were Hate**

**Chapter 8**

The opportunity that was lost forever at the 'Fountain of Sun' came to haunt Cassander with the form of a black panther in his dreams night after night. The beast's intense gaze of silver blue eyes bored into him as if to accuse him of cowardice. Regret poured oil into the flame of desire that kindled in his heart resentfully.

After receiving the prophecy from the oracle of Siwa, Alexander pursued the mission to defeat Darius even more keenly than before. From Egypt, the Macedonians made a hard march toward the heart of the Persian Empire while Darius attempted to rebuild his massive army. However, despite his overpowering force against the Macedonians, Darius made a final offer to Alexander before engaging into the battle.

Cassander saw the weakness in this. Alexander must have seen the same. He refused the offer as he stated that there should be only one ruler in the world. Being shut out from the alternate solution, Darius chose the location of the battle near Arbela.

Open field was an understandable choice for the Persians considering the massive force that Darius had. It was obvious that the Persian King was trying to avoid the same mistake he had made in the battle of Issus where his army was choked and stunned at the narrow valley, thus could not use their full potential.

As if to suggest that it would be the fateful battle, the strangest thing happened on the night before the battle. A dark shadow started to eat away the orange full moon. It added a strain to already nervous Macedonian soldiers who now knew that they were facing the massive force of the enemy. Their size was intimidating.

Although Cassander did not like Alexander, he had to admit the charismatic power that the king possessed over soldiers. Alexander also used his excellent rhetoric skills to convince them.

"Look at the moon! It symbolizes the Achaemenid Empire, which is losing and shrinking. See how it even looks like bleeding?"

And when the moon started to reappear in silver yellow color, Alexander added another comment in reassuring words.

"Now the moon is completely taken over by the new force. Remember! This new moon is us after defeating Darius' army."

Just one comment of Alexander had completely turned around the mood of the camp. The soldiers who feared for the evil omen were now hopeful with expectation. Cassander felt somewhat uneasy with the propaganda, and left the crowd. When he came to almost the edge of the camp by the stream, he spotted a slender shadow looking up at the moon.

The shadow turned around as he sensed someone approaching. The reflection of the moonlight flashed on the blade of the dagger in the hand of the silhouette.

"You should know not to sneak up on me."

Despite the disapproval, the tone of the voice was rather calm.

"I did not. I did let you hear that I was coming, didn't I?"

"Humm ... "

Hephaistion sneered.

"What is this brooding? You do not believe the victory that Alexander promised us?"

"It is not about if I believe the victory or not. I know as a fact if Alexander says that we will win, then we will win."

"Then, what is it? What is bothering you?"

"I am afraid."

"Not the battle, I assume?"

"No, not the battle. It is just ... it is hard to describe it, and I know that I am just overreacting, but I cannot help worrying about Alexander. You know, he never stays behind to keep the safe distance from the enemy like Darius does. He is always the first one to charge to the enemy's front line. I know that it is the way he keeps the rest of us motivated, and it is how he gives us the courage to advance, but still ... without the king, we are nothing. I wish he would be a little more cautious about his well being."

"But, if he were a god as he says, then he should not worry about his well being, should he?"

Hephaistion smiled at this, and Cassander continued.

"How about yourself?"

"What?"

"You do not worry about your life?"

"No, I do not ... No, I will take it back ... I am not afraid to die, but I worry for Alexander without me. How about you, Cassander? Have you ever been anxious before the battle?"

"The thought of dying at the battle never scares me, either. But, I am afraid of dying with regret."

"Regret? Regret of what?"

"Regret of not telling the truth."

Cassander looked into Hephaistion's clear blue pools that were slightly clouded with confusion. It was obvious that he had no idea whatsoever about what Cassander had meant. Cassander debated again. His heart was pounding so fast with force that he almost felt it coming up in his throat.

Hephaistion's concern rang in his ear. What if both or even one of them died at the battle tomorrow? Could he afford not confessing his feeling? Could he take it with him all the way to Hades?

What was he afraid of anyway? Being denied? Didn't he already know that this was not a fruitful love? So, what did he get to lose? Anxiety won over the fear of confessing. Cassander cleared his throat. Without looking at Hephaistion, Cassander spoke up.

"I care for you."

"Thank you. I knew that you had been hiding your gentleness behind that bitter face."

Hephaistion replied teasingly. Cassander held the gaze this time.

"No, I mean ... more than that … I love you."

A mixture of surprise and pain flashed in Hephaistion's eyes.

"Cassander ..."

"Don't say anything. I understand that you have given your heart to Alexander, and there is no room in your heart for anybody else. I am not expecting anything. I just wanted you to know how I felt if we were to die tomorrow."

Cassander said it all almost in one breath. Hephaistion smiled sadly, and nodded. Cassander looked away not knowing how to act in front of Hephaistion any longer. Now he was not sure if it was a good idea to confess or not.

The morning came too soon. In the soft rays of the morning sun, the enemy's front line spread miles long. The sight was intimidating. Alexander did the final preparation before the battle. He reminded his army that they were not like the Persians; a bunch of untrained soldiers who joined the army for the money. Instead, they were the selected professionals who fought with purpose under the protection of the gods.

Cassander was impressed again with the power and the skill of Alexander who knew exactly what to say and when to say to motivate and convince his soldiers. Despite of the clear disadvantage in size, the morale of Alexander's army was at its height.

With the final war cry, the front line of the infantry advanced in tight formation. Three layered massive waves of sarissas looked impressive and intimidating. Alexander attacked the right, the left flank of the Persians with his companion cavalries, while Parmenion held the Macedonian's left flank against the Persian's right.

Alexander moved with such speed that it was hard for the opponents to defend, and hard for his companion cavalries to keep up with him except Cassander and Hephaistion, who were right on the heels of the king. Alexander crashed the enemy's front line from the side making their formation folding over like a rolling carpet.

The number of soldiers was far bigger than the Macedonians, but those Persian soldiers who were assembled recently just for this battle were less disciplined. They ran away in all four directions when the panic hit.

However, as they got closer to Darius, more organized immortals put up a fight to protect their king. They were tougher and more skilled. It happened so fast that it did not register in Cassander's mind until he saw Hephaistion fall off his horse right in front of him.

Alexander did not notice this, since he was busy facing the soldiers in front of him while desperately trying to get through to heavily guarded Darius. Cassander remembered seeing a long spear moving with a lightning speed aiming at Alexander's back right before Hephaistion fell. When he blinked, Hephaistion was already down on the ground on his knee, while supporting himself with his sword.

Hephaistion must have placed himself between the spear-man and Alexander knowing there was no time for him to maneuver to slash the enemy with his sword. Cassander knocked down the spear with downward blow that was trying to finish the fallen warrior just in time before it could give the fatal wound to Hephaistion, and killed the soldier with the upward blow.

Cassander jumped off his horse and knelt down by Hephaistion who was barely keeping his upright posture. The wound was just under the bone of his left upper arm. The spear must have damaged the artery. The pool of crimson blood was increasing its size with a sickening speed.

Cassander felt that everything had faded away around him except the red of blood, and white of Hephaistion's face.

"You know what it means to lose the consciousness in the battlefield, right?"

Cassander shouted at Hephaistion.

"Death …"

Hephaistion replied barely above a whisper.

"Are you ready to die, Hephaistion?"

Cassander saw Hephaistion's lips twitched trying to smile in pain while shaking his head. He ripped a part of his chiton, and tied Hephaistion's arm at right above the wound. Hephaistion groaned in pain, and almost fell over.

"Then stay with me."

With this, Cassander pulled Hephaistion on his feet, and pushed him up on the back of his warhorse before mounting behind his injured friend. Cassander changed the direction to the medical tent in the interior of the Macedonian army, and then he squeezed the sides of the horse forcefully.

Hephaistion's head rolled against his shoulder. Feeling Hephaistion's body getting colder against his, Cassander panicked and squeezed the horse even harder under his legs. After it seemed to be taking forever, they finally arrived at the medical tent.

"Surgeon!"

Cassander shouted as he carried lifeless Hephaistion's body inside of the tent. He just hoped that he was not too late. As soon as they recognized who was the wounded, the veteran surgeon rushed to their side, and pointed to an empty cot.

Cassander gently laid Hephaistion on the cot before stepping aside to give some room for the physician. At this moment, he noticed that his empty hands were visibly shaking. He crossed his arms in front of his chest to hide the shaking. It was another reality check for Cassander that Hephaistion could make him this emotional and upset. It was rather annoying.

"How is he?"

Cassander asked impatiently.

"He lost a lot of blood, but he lives. The quick mending of his wound with the bandage saved him. We were lucky."

Without averting his eyes from the fresh wound, and preparing it for the stitches, the surgeon replied with a relieved sigh. It was strange that the surgeon said that it was not Hephaistion who was lucky, but they were. Yet, Cassander perfectly understood what the surgeon had meant.

As Hephaistion merely mentioned, it would not be a pretty sight if Alexander were to lose his most trusted and loved friend. Cassander sat on the stool by the cot and watched the skilled fingers of the surgeon stitch together the wound. He winced each time when the thick needle pierced Hephaistion's creamy white skin.

The only consolation was that the person who was receiving the torture of the pain was totally out cold. Wiping the cold sweats off on Hephaistion's pale face with damp cloths, Cassander realized how fragile life was, and how close they lived to the edge of the underworld. He was not certain before if it was a good idea to tell Hephaistion how he felt, but now, he was glad that he did.

"Hephaistion!"

Cassander did not know how long he stayed by Hephaistion's side, but the familiar voice gave him a cue to stand up. He saw Alexander's distraught figure at the entrance of the tent. He walked toward the open flaps along the narrow path between the cots filled with the wounded while Alexander walked toward him.

Their shoulders brushed as they passed each other, and Cassander held Alexander's glare. One corner of Cassander's lips curled up. It was rather childish, but he could not help thinking that it was he, not Alexander, who was there for Hephaistion when he needed help the most.

**TBC**


End file.
